


365 days apart

by vgaeu



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, just two girls against the end of the world, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:26:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21762088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vgaeu/pseuds/vgaeu
Summary: “Where do you think you'll be when the world ends?” Haseul asked, her soft voice breaking the silence amidst the low chatter of the television.Sooyoung just let herself tip over, falling into the crook of the other girl’s neck. “With you, of course.”[or; where haseul waits for the end of the world alone]
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jo Haseul
Comments: 6
Kudos: 99





	365 days apart

**Author's Note:**

> heavily inspired by the lyrics of [bol4's blue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F34e6LYro-4)

* * *

**386 days remaining**

“Where do you think you'll be when the world ends?” Haseul asked, her soft voice breaking the silence amidst the low chatter of the television.

Tilting her head towards the other girl, she watched the way the light of the screen flickered in her eyes, the way the blueness of the images rolled across the bridge of her nose to the peak of her cheeks. Their fingers toyed nonchalantly with one another, Sooyoung's thumb brushing mindlessly over her knuckles. 

The constant hours of panic and preparation had come and gone, the general public now merely settling dust in the chaos of the inevitable.

But the fear always remained, a tide that just kept rising as the days ticked by like the closing numbers on an indomitable bomb.

But as teasing and mawkish as she always was, Sooyoung just let herself tip over, falling into the crook of the other girl’s neck. “With you, of course.” 

She’d long accepted their fate, the nearing sun but a passing thought. 

To Haseul, it was haunting.

“Seriously!” She grumbled, shrugging her off, the laughter that had once blossomed warmth in her heart now feeling derisive as Sooyoung tumbled onto tousled sheets. “You could be anywhere you wanted.” 

“Would you want to be with me?” Sooyoung asked, her eyes twinkling mischievously as she propped herself up on her elbow. 

_Indubitably_. 

“Yes.” 

“Then why wouldn’t I want to be with you?” 

There were several reasons, of opportunities lost and a life well wasted, the tiniest relief she'd once found in the other girl's unpacked suitcase now a burden she could never forgive herself for.

_Why would you?_

Always aching but never acknowledging, Haseul just forced her attention to return to the movie, the images that danced across the screen now feeling empty in the scale of tomorrow. 

* * *

**163 days remaining**

Loneliness was a paradoxical creature, its skin screaming to be touched but its body ashamed of being seen. 

She found herself staring at blank walls with glassy eyes, finding the soft breathing that rang through the speakers once again utterly suffocating. 

It was a few moments before the silence was broken, the low voice wrapping tightly around her throat. 

"How are you?" 

_The same._

"I hope you're doing okay." 

_I hope I will be someday._

There was a pause, a deep inhale. Haseul forced a swallow down her dry throat as she waited for her to continue.

"I'm sorry for leaving." 

The click that followed crackled in the heavy air, Haseul burying herself further beneath well worn sheets. 

_I'm sorry for holding you back._

  
  


* * *

**137 days remaining**

Sooyoung was a little thinner the next time she saw her, her cheeks a bit gaunt and her eyes a bit tired.

They were making good progress, nearly finishing the spacecraft and projecting their testing to begin within the next month.

Scooting closer to the screen, Haseul didn't miss the way her fingers tapped nervously against the side of her thigh, the girl looking uncomfortable where she stood. 

The sight made her chest pang.

Her eyes seemed to accidentally catch the camera for just a moment, an awkward smile stretching across her face as she stared through the screen but Haseul immediately found herself looking down, too scared to meet them. 

She didn't want to make it even harder.   
  


* * *

**391 days remaining**

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

Sooyoung froze at the threshold, stunned by the ambush before she slowly shut the door behind her. 

Her eyes flitted from the ones of the girl standing before her to the wrinkled letter she gripped so tightly between her fingers.

"I thought it didn't matter because I'm not doing it." 

"Well, why aren't you?" Haseul exhaled unsteadily, trying to keep her voice from wavering. "Is it because of me?" 

She watched her step forward carefully, one hand reaching forward to take the letter from her and the other to cup her cheek. 

"Hey." Sooyoung said softly, giving her a reassuring smile as she tilted her head up so she could look her in the eyes. "I just didn't want to do it." 

It wasn't a good enough reason. 

"People would kill for the chance."

"So, what?" Sooyoung chuckled and Haseul pulled from her touch, the sudden loss of warmth utterly jarring.

"So, what?! You have the chance to leave and you're choosing to stay here and die?" 

Sooyoung opened her mouth only to have nothing come out. 

Haseul pressed on.

"I think you should go. They picked you for a reason so they probably need your help to work on the ship-"

"They could find someone else. There are so many other people who are more qualified-"

"-and I packed your bag already so you can leave tomorrow-"

Sooyoung raised a hand, exhaling heavily as the words settled in her head. 

"You packed my bag?" She echoed before leaving the room, Haseul stumbling close behind.

The bedroom door was shoved open, Sooyoung scowling at the packed suitcase by the closet.

"I just want what's best for you." Haseul tried to explain, not knowing what else to say as she watched her roughly unzip it, throwing the lid open before angrily pulling everything out. 

She flinched at her movements, at the thumps and clatters of her belongings scattering across the floor.

She had never done anything like this, Haseul never having felt afraid until she watched her hunched over and wordless besides the occasional grunts of vexation.

And it was only when the suitcase was completely empty did she finally breathe out.

"You don't get to decide what's best for me." 

She turned around, Haseul shocked to find her eyes bloodshot and brimming with tears. 

"You have no idea what’s best for me."

  
  


* * *

**112 days remaining**

It was always red. 

From her tinted lips to sanguine skies, it was always red.

Haseul stared at the droplet growing on her finger until it broke from the cut, leaving a small trail as it rolled across each crease. 

The offending knife lie abandoned on the dirty counter. The half prepped meal left forgotten.

_Sooyoung shook her head, as she took her hand into hers, gently peeling and wrapping a bandage over her cut palm._

_"Did you know blood is blue before it touches oxygen?” She asked while she worked. “But it changes to red super fast when you bleed so you just don't see it."_

_Haseul found her heart blooming at how she bit her lips in focus, feeling her mouth pull into a stupid grin when Sooyoung suddenly lifted her wrist up, pressing a kiss on the bandage to top it off._

_"You're messing with me!" A blush rang across her cheeks, Haseul yanking her hand back as she protested._

_"I swear I'm not. Why do you think your veins are blue?" She chuckled, meeting her eyes with a teasing grin._

_"I don't believe you!"_

_"If you don’t believe me then why are you checking?" Sooyoung prodded and Haseul quickly tore her eyes away from her wrist upon getting caught, her cheeks flushed as she shook her head in insistence._

_"It's always red!"_

_Sooyoung just raised a brow, turning to put the small box back into the first aid kit and clicking it shut._

_“Whatever you say.”_

Haseul couldn't tell if the air was getting thicker or her heart was growing heavier. But either way, she found herself beginning to suffocate as she pulled the lever of the sink up, letting the cool water envelope her finger and watching the red drip into the current and spiral down the drain. 

_Her confidence breeding doubt in her gullible head, Haseul pretended not to care until she was sure Sooyoung had succumbed to sleep hours later. And only then did she secretly swipe through the searches, smiling giddily, unable to contain herself from leaning in to whisper into her hair._

_“I was right. It’s always red!”_

_She didn’t expect a mumble back, scooting back in embarrassment as the other girl peeked through her sleepy eyes, a small smile growing on her lips._

_“Of course it is.” She lifted a finger to poke the tip of her nose._

She didn’t know where the first aid kit was.

_“You need to trust yourself more.”_

Sooyoung’s absence was growing too noticeable. 

She resigned to pressing a paper towel to the cut until it clotted. 

There were no bandages or kisses, just a scab she would never stop picking and a wound she could never let heal.

  
  


* * *

**103 days remaining**

The first test was a success, celebration and champagne spilling through the buzzing television screen. 

And for the first time in a long time, she saw her smile again. 

It was a proper smile, her eyes twinkling beneath the stage light, her lips turned upwards and her teeth shining brightly. 

Haseul couldn’t help but grin back. 

“We did it.” 

Her eyes met the camera once again, now proud and beaming with excitement and no matter how hard she tried, Haseul couldn’t tear her eyes away this time.

“We did it!” 

It ached. 

The rain pattered on outside, droplets hitting the window pane and coloring the room a bluish gray as Haseul sat slumped in the center of a bed that was too big for her. 

_I’m so proud of you._

Why did it still ache?

  
  


* * *

**372 days remaining**

In a nest of tangled limbs and warm sheets, they drifted off, Sooyoung never moving her arms from Haseul's waist despite losing herself to sleep first. The smaller girl nuzzled against her chest, feeling her head rise and fall with every breath she took, her little snores filling the quiet room. 

It was perfect.

She'd never felt so content.

Closing her eyes to the sound of her heartbeat, she listened to it thump in her chest, the overwhelming intimacy and exhaustion melting away any remnants of self control she had left. 

"I love you." She whispered into her sweater and once she opened the gates, she just couldn't stop the words from spilling out. "I love you. I love you. I love you." 

_You deserve everything._

A sudden pang in her chest brought her back to reality, her breath hitching as a single tear dropped from her eye. 

This wasn't right.

_I can't be enough._

She was being selfish. 

Haseul fisted her sweater a little tighter as she finally breathed the confession that'd been festering and aching for months inside of her.

"I love you so much that I can't let you stay." 

  
  


* * *

**94 days remaining**

Everything kept changing.

The rains fell heavier from the skies that grew redder, the hands on the clock ticked endlessly as the hours went by. It was too dangerous to go outside now, the flooded roads making it difficult to get anywhere. 

Nothing was the same. 

Just Sooyoung’s chipped mug that still sat gathering dust by the kitchen window. The hole she’d left in the living room wall after being chased with a paint brush around the house. The faltering stack of old DVDs they’d left on their bedroom dresser. 

And the endless aching in her chest. 

Everything had moved on except her.

  
  


* * *

**365 days remaining**

"I think you should go." 

Messily packed bags sat at Sooyoung's feet, her pleading eyes meeting the rare, unwavering ones by the door.

“Please don’t make me leave.” 

Haseul inhaled deeply, steeling herself and planting her feet where she stood, fearing she’d tug the other girl into her arms if she came any closer.

“I can’t let you stay.” 

"I’m not strong enough to leave you." She sounded so small, the crack in her voice the first strike of many against her bruising heart.

"And that's what's going to kill you."

She watched the way she fidgeted with her hands, picking at her fingers to distract from the tears brimming in her eyes.

“There’s nothing I can say to make you change your mind?” 

She found her own voice foreign, empty, as it echoed simply in the quiet room. 

“No.”

Sooyoung blinked roughly, her eyes rolling to the ceiling as she tried to compose herself before exhaling unsteadily. 

“Fine then.” She stared into her eyes, her lip quivering for a moment as if she were waiting for a final embrace. But Haseul just looked back, too frightened she'd never let go, knowing that would be the last time they touched. Sooyoung’s arms dropped limply to her sides. “Okay.” 

“Yeah.” 

She cleared her throat, picking the bags off of the ground and pulling the door open, forcing herself to move from where she stood like a magnet that’d been caught in a field. And before she finally left, Sooyoung turned back one last time, frantically breathing in the sight of her as if she'd suffocate otherwise. 

“I just want you to know that I love you... so much more than you could ever imagine.” 

Haseul’s hands clenched by her side, her body yearning so desperately to just let herself be drawn to where she knew she belonged. 

“And I don’t think I can ever stop doing that.”

It was too hard. 

Haseul refused to meet her eyes, staring down at her feet as she mumbled her last words. 

“Goodbye, Sooyoung.” 

There was a long pause before the door finally clicked shut and the twinging and panging in her chest finally swallowed her whole, the pain of it all becoming too much to bear. 

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

She fell to the ground, driving her knees into her chest, desperate to soothe the aching gap that was left behind.

_You deserve so much more._

It was the first time she questioned the idea of having a blue heart, her own feeling defective and bruised as it sat in her chest.

And it was the last time she wanted to scream the words she could barely breathe out. 

365 days remained and it felt like her entire world had already collapsed.

  
  


* * *

**21 days remaining**

It was two weeks until launch the next time she saw her.

The endless rivers that ran down dirty streets were long gone, replaced by the arid air and the crumbling dirt.

Haseul watched the crew give their final press conference as she unboxed the last of her canned foods but she didn’t bother listening, her entire focus placed on the girl she so missed.

Sooyoung looked exhausted, lingering at the side of the group as they talked on and on. She nodded absentmindedly, her eyes swollen and her hands folded across her chest.

And for the slightest of moments, once again, she met the camera.

Only this time, but this time she didn’t bother putting on a smile. Her jaw clenched before she just looked away, Haseul freezing where she stood. 

She hated that she didn’t look fine.

She hated that she couldn’t do anything about it.

The broadcast cut out not long after, Haseul met by her own somber reflection in the blackened screen. 

She hated that that was the last image she ever had of her.

  
  


* * *

**8 days remaining**

One night before launch. 

There was no more broadcasts, the flares making it difficult for anything but the simplest of announcements to crackle through.

Haseul barely slept that night, just waiting for news from the tuned radio she hugged in her arms.

_“This is stupid.” Sooyoung grumbled._

_Smiling, Haseul held the button, bringing the walkie talkie to her mouth._

_“Over.”_

_“What?” She heard muttered through the speaker._

_“You have to end it with over or else how will I know you’re done talking? Over.”_

_There was a pause on the other end for a few moments before Sooyoung spoke again._

_“Fine, this is stupid... Over.” A soft chuckle was heard from the other room, Haseul shaking her head at the other girl being so easily amused by her own comment._

_“You’re an idiot. Over.”_

_“Okay but I’m your idiot so it’s your problem. Over.” She retorted immediately and Haseul couldn’t stop herself from laughing, unfortunately bringing herself into a coughing fit. Sniffling, she tugged the covers tighter around herself, hearing the opening hiss on the other end and the soft voice that followed. “Are you okay?”_

_“I’m fine. Over.”_

_There was a beat, then another, before she heard footsteps begin to shuffle down the hall._

_“Okay, yeah. This is over, I’m coming in.”_

_"Wait, no. I'm sick!"_

_But her protests went ignored and the door swung open, Sooyoung peering in with furrowed brows that softened upon meeting her weak finger._

_"Don't come any closer." Haseul threatened, Sooyoung finding her congested voice endearing more than anything, but the two short coughs that followed it twinged her heart._

_She took a step forward, then two, Haseul unable to do anything but huff in annoyance. "Hey, I don't want you to get sick!"_

_"I don't care if I get sick." She said closing the door behind her and realizing it was battle she couldn't win, Haseul just grumbled as she felt her climb into bed beside her._

_"You'll care tomorrow."_

_Sooyoung laughed, propping herself on her side as she looked over at her._

_"But I missed you right now." She whined and Haseul rolled her eyes, feigning annoyance._

_"We were just talking!"_

_"Yeah, but I couldn't do this." She leaned closer, laying a gentle peck on the peak of her nose and then her cheek and then the crinkles by her eyes when she couldn't hold back her smile and her eyelid as she began to melt into her touch._

_Haseul couldn't deny the way it always made her heart flutter, couldn't forget the way she always made her feel so safe._

_Sooyoung pressed her lips between her brows where it'd crease when she was upset, on the tip of the ear she liked to tuck her hair behind, on the palm of the hand she'd brought up to cup her face. And then suddenly she paused, lingering above her, her eyes growing incredibly warm and tender and her lips parting ever so slightly._

_"What is it?"_

_"You mean the world to me."_

A crackle brought her attention to the speaker, Haseul's eyes flying open as she turned the dial higher.

"The launch will proceed as planned in 10 hours." 

One night before launch. 

One more night until she'd sleep soundly knowing Sooyoung was safe in space. 

One more night until she could finally comfort herself knowing she’d made the right choice. 

  
  


* * *

**7 days remaining**

They never made it out of the atmosphere. 

Something about a faulty engine or an unchecked system but either way, it'd crashed and burned, the team on the ground unable to recover anyone. 

It was over. 

Crumbling onto the bathroom floor, everything finally burst, her ragged breathing and endless gasping utterly fruitless in the vacuumed room. 

_“Please don’t make me leave.”_

  
  


* * *

**5 days remaining**

Everything was still. 

Dust drifted leisurely in the beam of the light that peeked through the curtains, tin cans of food sat untouched on the dining table, the analog clock in the kitchen ticked and tocked quietly and endlessly. 

She couldn’t remember the last time she slept, the last time she even attempted to navigate out of the mess she’d made in the room she couldn't tear herself from. 

Everything was still.

Broken, spilled, strewn across the bedroom floor but completely and utterly still.

She lay buried and drowning in the fading smell of clothes that no longer had an owner.

  
  


* * *

**2 days remaining**

It ached, it ached, it ached.

God, she just wanted it to stop aching.

_It was all black, not a thing in sight as Haseul squinted into the sky, searching for just anything to write her paper about._

_"You don't have to stay here with me if you don't want."_

_Sooyoung turned on the grass, her face lit by the yellow glow of the streetlamps._

_She turned her lips into a sleepy smile, her hand reaching to grasp hers as she met her eyes._

_It was beneath the empty sky that she realized the stars had found a home in her eyes instead._

_"Hey, what makes you think I'd ever leave you behind?"_

  
  


* * *

**0 days remaining**

The light was especially glaring when she woke up that morning, the heat intense and sweltering. She forced herself out of bed, out of the room, out of her old clothes and into the kitchen.

It was the last day.

She shuffled around the room, eyeing the stoves that no longer lit and the fridge that no longer worked. 

The clock had stopped ticking sometime last night, its hands left skewed at an impossible hour.

Everything just felt so futile. 

Too numb to eat and too tired to care, she cracked open a water bottle, pouring it into the chipped mug by the window. Carrying it so carefully, her fingers running across the smoothness of the ceramic before slotting in the handle, she brought it to the table, her chair screeching across the tiles as she pulled it out before settling in it. 

The morning was spent staring blankly at an empty seat, not knowing what else to do.

_“What are you doing?”_

_Haseul looked up from the cutting board, seeing the girl laughing as she shuffled into the kitchen._

_“Cooking!” She announced, gesturing to the half diced onions with her knife. She looked proud, not acknowledging how they spilled in haphazard shapes across the counter._

_Sooyoung nearly lost it at the giant lab goggles she wore on her face, about to make a quip when she noticed the pot that boiled violently on the stove beside her. She rushed into the scene, lifting the lid off of the pot and turning the fire down, letting the steam and the strong odor of burnt cheese waft into the air._

_Haseul smiled sheepishly as she watched her roll her eyes._

_“Whoops.”_

_Sooyoung just shook her head, tapping the front of her goggles. “You look ridiculous! Why are you wearing this?”_

_Whining, Haseul slapped her hand away._

_“The onions make my eyes spicy!” She answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and then turned back to work when she felt Sooyoung rest her chin on her shoulder, wrapping her arms around her._

_“And what are the onions for?”_

_“A topping for the pasta! But now that that’s burnt maybe we could just fry it with something?” She felt Sooyoung suddenly freeze and straighten up behind her._

_“You were gonna use raw onions as a topping?!”_

_“Is that not… a thing?” Haseul tilted her head back, furrowing her brows in genuine curiosity and Sooyoung exhaled heavily through her nose, laying a peck on her forehead before moving her gently aside, taking the knife from her hand and setting it in the sink._

It was always Sooyoung who knew exactly what to do.

_“Come on, let’s go get McDonald’s.”_

_“What about all this?”_

_Sooyoung laughed, tugging her by the wrist gently out the kitchen._

_“We could worry about it all later.”_

She should've listened to her. 

A sudden sound outside the house brought Haseul's head whipping up, her attention turning to the jostling doorknob.

Staring at the door, she pushed herself up from her seat, her heart pounding as she waited for it to open.

The world coming down to its final hours, there was no more reason for raiders, anything worthwhile that remained not being something that could be so easily taken. And the prospect of visitors was long gone, everyone relishing the time they had left with the people they wanted.

And so she stood, expectant, waiting.

It creaked ever so slightly, Haseul met by emptiness until a head finally poked from the gap.

“Hi.” 

She could only blink, her mouth falling agape as she watched the other girl cross the threshold.

Sooyoung shut the door quietly behind her, dropping her bags carefully to the floor before facing her once more.

“I’m home.”

She looked weary, fatigued, her hair askew and her body worn but her eyes seemed to light up at the word, a small quirk teasing the corner of her lips as she savored the taste of it on her tongue. 

Haseul couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

"You're okay." She breathed in incredulity, her voice hoarse from disuse, her eyes barely able to register the girl in front of her. Her hands shook as she lifted them from her side, her knees trembled as she rounded the table. 

“I couldn’t do it.” Sooyoung began, her eyes tearing a little despite the crinkles that had formed beside them. “I couldn’t get on the ship.”

Haseul shook her head, not knowing what to do with herself as she filled with relief at the sight of her. She exhaled, breaking at the sight as she moved deeper into the room.

Sooyoung didn’t hesitate, immediately surging forward, pulling her into an embrace. And they finally fell together like missing pieces, arms enveloped so firmly around each other, squeezing so tightly as if to prove nothing could ever pull them apart again. 

This was what she had craved for, what she’d been aching for, and she inhaled her like they were meant to die the next day.

"I'm sorry I made you go." Haseul fisted the back of her shirt tightly, her head tucked beneath her chin as she shuddered in her arms.

“I’m sorry I took so long to come home.” She felt mumbled into her hair and Haseul just pulled her closer, Sooyoung laughing quietly at the endless welcome. “Hey, I can’t breathe.”

She loosened her grip, albeit unwillingly, and Sooyoung broke away, beaming as she took her face in her hands. Her thumb ran beneath her brimming eyes, wishing she could scrape away every drop of hurt she’d spilled in the 365 days she’d been gone. 

But it was pointless delving on lost time.

She was here now. 

Haseul let out a small giggle amidst the sniffling as she looked into her eyes, placing her hand over the one Sooyoung had on her cheek. 

“I just can’t believe you’re here.” She said, pressing her forehead against hers, feeling the warmth that spread across her cheeks that ached with her endless grinning. 

"I said I would be, didn't I?"

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> a special thanks to dar for helping me beta this n also to erika for putting up w my bol4 spam n pushing me to do smth about it love u baby..
> 
> anyway i hope u enjoyed n pls lmk what u thought!!!
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/vgaeus)  
> 


End file.
